When I give coaching workshops, I express a lot of admiration for the coaches in attendance who coach their own children. At this point, I’ve never coached my only son (he’s 7), and I don’t really have any desire to do so. I’ve seen a lot of very good, experienced coaches really struggle with the challenges of coaching their own. Even when they manage to do it just right and treat their own kid exactly like any of the others, their choices about their own son or daughter are still intensely scrutinized by the other team parents. It’s got to be tough.
A good friend of mine who is a very gifted high school and youth coach (basketball, baseball, and softball) told me a great story last night. He has coached his own son in baseball for a number of years and has garnered great respect from other parents and coaches. He’s as good as they come. Each season he asks he son if he wants to play that year and if he’d like his dad to coach him, and each season his son affirms enthusiastically that he would.
Last summer, my friend and his son were playing catch as they often do. After many of the throws, my friend did what coaches do naturally – he instructed. He helped his son correct his grip, follow through, arm positioning…. At some point, his son became frustrated, hurled the ball well over his dad’s head, and threw his mitt to the ground exclaiming, “why can’t we ever just play catch?” After calmly asking his son to collect the mitt and ball, my friend said simply, “I’m not going to bug you about it, but the next time you want to play catch, tell me, and I’ll be available.”
Two weeks passed before his son approached him to play catch. My friend was careful not to do too much (if any) instructing. In the two weeks, his son’s throwing skills seemed to have blossomed. Not only that, he began seeking his dad’s advice on improving his technique. They had reached one of those crucial turning points that we long for as coaches and as parents.
One thing this story reminds me is that our young players really need just to play sometimes. I’ll never forget that line, “why can’t we ever just play catch?” All our players need the opportunity sometimes just to play, but our own kids just want to play with us.
I’m also in awe of my friend’s natural ability to make the right coaching decision while still being a great dad. As coaches, we strive to maximize our players’ performance. He did that by understanding the state of his son’s athletic psyche. By giving his son the power to make decisions about his own development, he enabled the athlete to improve performance at a pace that made sense for him. The result – increased performance.
To all of you who coach your own kids – I admire what you do. I wonder if I could succeed at it myself, but I hope I don’t have to find out. I have an ace in the hole – my wife is a far better coach than I am anyway. I’ll let her coach our son!
(photo by Stuart Moulder)